I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
