The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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