my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
