You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
