I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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