I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
