I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
