Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
