...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
