Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
