I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
