Apparently you make a good broom.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
