I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
