I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
