somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
