Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
