Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
