Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
