all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
