Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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