I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
