She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
