He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
