Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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