half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
