so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
