He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
