You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
