We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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