just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
