yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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