I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
