I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
we made out on top of his cat.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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