I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
