Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
