I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i need some magic done to my vagina
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
