Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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