i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
