have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
