She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
