I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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