You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You can't just leave with hair like that
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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