well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
