I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
