Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
