For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
