just tell him i said nine months
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
