Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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