He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
