it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
